The Real Way to Rescue Civilization
3 Aug 2006
Have you heard about the Alliance to Rescue Civilization? It is a group that advocates the colonization of the moon as a backup plan for humanity. According to the group’s founder, Dr. Robert Shapiro, who is a professor emeritus and senior research scientist in biochemistry at New York University, the only way to preserve the human race in the event of a global catastrophe like a collision with an asteroid or a nuclear winter is with a moon-base. Far from being dismissed by others as another group out on the lunatic fringe, the Alliance to Rescue Civilization, which is made up of professors, scientists and a former NASA committee chair, is attracting the support of such luminaries as physicist Stephen W. Hawking and former astronaut Buzz Aldrin.
Although you may be surprised to hear it, I too am a big fan of the Alliance to Rescue Civilization’s life-preservation plan. However, my support of the Alliance’s plan does come with a caveat; namely, who we select to fly to the moon. As long as I have a say on who we send to the moon, I’m all in favor of the moon’s colonization.
To begin with, I think we should send the United Nations and all Muslims to the moon. Since Islam is such a “peace-loving” religion and the United Nations has such a proven track record of creating peace on earth with its voluminous resolutions, sending U.N. diplomats and Muslim jihadists to the moon will undoubtedly make it the most peaceful sphere in the whole Milky Way. Why, not even an invasion of war-mongering Klingons could disturb the moon’s Sea of Tranquility once it’s populated by the followers of Kofi Annan and the Prophet Mohammed.
Second, I believe we should send all liberals to the moon along with all of their friends on the federal judiciary. Since liberals claim that they have all of the answers and can easily solve every problem, sending them to the moon will assure the man in the moon of problem-free living. If some moon man or woman should dare to think for themselves or raise the issue of personal responsibility, judges will be there to see to it that all who refuse to bow to the liberal’s superior intellect are stoned to death with moon rocks.
Next, I think we should send the Clintons to the moon. Hillary can be president and Bill can don a spacesuit and spend the rest of his life searching for those catlike moon maidens made famous in those old Sci-fi flicks.
Obviously, every moon man will want to begin his month long day with a morning newspaper and a hot cup of Tang. Therefore, I propose that we send the New York Times to the moon. Also, we can provide the lunar surface with continuous 676 hour—the number of hours in a moon day—news coverage by sending Ted Turner and CNN to the moon. Just think about it, Larry King won’t even need his suspenders, since the lack of gravity alone will keep his pants up.
When it comes to entertainment, we ought to go all-out for those roughing it on the moon for the sake of humanity’s preservation. First, we ought to fly all rap artists to the moon. Second, to assure a little musical variety for those not partial to profanity-laced lyrics rhymed to the rhythm of a scratched record, let’s send Barbara Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, Madonna, Britney Spears, Kid Rock, Willie Nelson, and Michael Jackson to the moon, especially Michael Jackson, since he already knows how to moonwalk.
As far as other forms of entertainment go, I believe we should send all of Hollywood to the moon, since it’s always been moonstruck with itself anyway. In addition, I believe Playboy and Hugh Hefner should be sent to the moon, since it’s high time for that “rabbit” in the moon that your mother told you about to get some bunnies for company.
Next, we ought to make sure that racism never takes root on the lunar surface by sending civil rights leaders like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to the moon. Of course, sending these two to the moon will necessitate that we not send any Jews, since Jackson won’t stand for any “Hymietowns” on his moonscape and Sharpton won’t stand for any “bloodsuckers” and “interlopers” in his neighborhood. This is probably for the best, however, since Mel Gibson will also be there as part of the Hollywood crowd and yarmulkes won’t really be in fashion with all of those Muslims around.
While we’re sending Jackson and Sharpton to the moon, we might as well send New York Councilman Charles Barron as well. Barron insists upon black reparations and slapping white people in the face for the sake of his “mental health.” With the moon inhabited by liberals, many of whom will be white and more than willing to have their faces slapped to prove that they’re not racists, Barron will have plenty of whites to wallop and no problem staying on his rocker. Also, he can finally have his demanded reparations. Forget about forty acres and a mule; Barron can have all the acreage he wants on the moon. Furthermore, he won’t even need the mule, since things are really easy to lug around on the weightless lunar surface.
To free them once and for all from homophobia—what used to be known as sexual morality—and from homophobes—any moral person who refuses to condone homosexuality—all homosexuals should be sent to the moon. Along with the homosexuals we should also send the Episcopalians to the moon, by doing so we will provide homosexuals with a church where they can become a member, get married, and go into the ministry. While we’re at it, we might as well send the United Church of Christ and the World Council of Churches to the moon. Believe it or not, the Muslims won’t object, since none of these churches really believe anything anyway. Besides, if they should ever get serious about the Christian faith Muslims can always start issuing those fatwas that they’re so fond of.
Since the purpose of the moon-base is the preservation of the human race, I would like to suggest that we also send all stem cell researchers to the moon. The reason for sending stem cell researchers to the moon is twofold. First, without stem cell researchers and in vitro fertilization we won’t be able to justify sending homosexuals to the moon, since homosexuals will prove incapable of reproducing and unfit for a moon-base founded for the express purpose of preserving human posterity. Second, by sending all stem cell researchers to the moon we may be able to lure Arnold Schwarzenegger and other loony proponents of harvesting human embryos for spare body parts to take up residence on the lunar surface as well. Once we get Arnold launched we can then let him know in no uncertain terms, “He won’t be back!”
Next, I propose that we send Ralph Nader and the Green Party to the moon. Just think about it, the moon can provide the Green Party, as well as all environmentalists, with a worry-free environment. They won’t have to worry about the rain forest; there are no trees. They won’t have to worry about endangered species; there are no animals. They won’t have to worry about water pollution; there is no water. They won’t even have to worry about air pollution; there is no air. In addition, good ole Ralph will be there to make sure consumers aren’t being taken advantage of by the moon’s crooked used lunar rover and space pod salesmen.
To make sure no one ever attempts to turn the phrase “the man in the moon” into an endorsement of patriarchy, we need to send all feminists to the moon. There, they can teach everyone that the moon has always been ruled by women, as those old Sci-fi flicks about catlike moon maidens showed. What's more, old “Slick Willy”—Bill Clinton the feminists’ favorite philander—is bound to show up with a moon maiden sooner or later if given enough time. Of course, when he does, he’ll swear, “I never had sex with that woman.” Although the truthfulness of Bill’s oath will hinge on what the meaning of “is” is, his showing up with a beret wearing moon maiden will be all that the feminists need to emasculate “the man in the moon” and enthrone “the woman in the moon.”
Since it’s rumored to be made of cheese, wouldn’t the moon be the perfect place for cheesy people like Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil? And how about those evolutionists, wouldn’t the unevolved moon be the perfect place for them, a place where they could sit for the next gazillion years and actually watch moon dust evolve into extraterrestrials? I think the moon would be a far more suitable place for an out of this world philanthropist like George Soros or an out of this world professor like Ward Churchill. Don’t you? And of course the Alliance to Rescue Civilization ought to be sent to the moon as well; after all, it was their idea, not to mention the fact that they’ll probably need to get started immediately on a Mars back up plan for humanity once they see how things are going on the moon. Well, as for the rest of us, we’ll just have to carry on without those folks we’ve sent to the moon as best as we can. Tee-he-he!
Don Walton
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